I have to drive
I have my reasons, dear
It’s cold outside
I hate the seasons here

I suffer mornings most of all
I feel so powerless and small
By ten o’clock I’m back in bed
Fighting the jury in my head

You learn to drive
It’s only natural, dear
You drive all night
We haven’t slept in years

We suffer mornings most of all
We saw you lying in the road
We tried to dig a decent grave
But it’s still no way to behave

It is a delicate position
Spin the bottle
Pick the victim
Catch a tiger
Switch directions
If he hollers
Break his ankles
To protect him

We’ll have to drive
They’re getting closer
Just get inside
It’s almost over

We will save your brothers
We will save your cousins
We will drive them far away
From streets and lights
From all signs of bad mankind

We suffer mornings most of all
Wake up all bleary eyed and sore
Forgetting everything we saw
(I’ll meet you in an hour
at the car)

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I'm having a really hard time and I'm not quite sure why.  I mean I can guess but who the hell knows.  It could just be me being fucked up as usual.  I'm having all kinds of urges and it's getting harder and harder to fight them all.  If someone is opening the sharps cabinet I get triggered.  I understand why I am triggered but it doesn't make it easier.  I don't feel like I deserve to eat, my boobs are huge and my thighs are huge and they touch and my stomach is distended.  It's just too much for me right now.  I want that safe space back.  It was hell, don't get me wrong but at least I was safe.  I was in my own little eating disordered bubble, one in which nothing could touch me because I was skinny.

I was talking to my friend Mary about how I felt like I was mourning the loss of my eating disorder and it truly feels that way.  I've bypassed the denial, felt the anger and now bargaining.  I came here truly wanting to get better but I think the fact that my weight and size was what it was when I got here is what bothers me.  No, actually it's not because if that were it then I wouldn't want to go back.  I don't want to be labeled chronic but unfortunately so many of eating disordered people are labeled chronic.   Can I at least have some time in between to try to see if I can live without it.  Unfortunately I will just run out of options.  I am the little girl who cried sick. 

I have so many things to work on and I know the biggest being the sexual abuse.  I am not even going to label it as trauma not because it isn't but because it's the one thing I know I can't work on on an outpatient basis.  

I still hate my body with a passion and don't deserve to eat.