disappointment

There are locks on the doors
And chains stretched across all the entries to the inside
There's a gate and a fence
And bars to protect from only God knows what lurks outside

Who stole your heart left you with a space
That no one and nothing can fill
Who stole your heart who took it away
Knowing that without it you can't live

Who took away the part so essential to the whole
Left you a hollow body
Skin and bone
What robber what thief who stole your heart and the key

Who stole your heart
The smile from your face
The innocence the light from your eyes
Who stole your heart or did you give it away
And if so then when and why

Who took away the part so essential to the whole
Left you a hollow body
Skin and bone
What robber what thief
Who stole your heart and the key

Now all sentiment is gone
Now you have no trust in no one

Who stole your heart
Did you know but forget the method and moment in time
Was it a trickster using mirrors and sleight of hand
A strong elixir or a potion that you drank

Who hurt your heart
Bruised it in a place
That no one and nothing can heal
You've gone to wizards, princes and magic men
You've gone to witches, the good the bad the indifferent

But still all sentiment is gone
But still you have no trust in no one

If you can tear down the walls
Throw your armor away remove all roadblocks barricades
If you can forget there are bandits and dragons to slay
And don't forget that you defend an empty space

And remember the tinman
Found he had what he thought he lacked
Remember the tinman
Go find your heart and take it back

Who stole your heart
Maybe no one can say
One day you will find it I pray

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Listening to Dylan right now and while it's nice it certainly doesn't help my mood at the moment.  I asked my mother if she was going to come visit me and she said yes but then at the last minute said she wasn't going to come for one reason or another, at this point they are all the same.  I spent five weeks in the hospital and she came to visit TWICE, only twice.  One of which was simply because I had her phone.  I like to chalk it up to the fact that seeing her daughter there connected to a heart monitor, IV fluids, catheter and on complete bed rest could be hard.  Maybe like I said before it's a matter of the girl who cried sick.  Maybe it's just become too much for her.  I want to say that she just gave up on me but then again where was she my entire life.  It's sad when I can say that my sister is a bigger support than my own mother.  I know my mother loves me but my sister(s) are more supportive.  Sam is being beyond wonderful when it comes to this.  She is being the cheerleader rooting for me, taking the place of my mother.  Cordelia keeps texting me and wants me to call her but since I have roaming.

Oy vey, I hate this god damn mommy complex I have.  I can't stand the woman but at the same time I long for her approval and her recognition and praise.  I wish I felt like she loved me and I wish she cared enough to want to be with me.  I wish I didn't disgust her.  If your own mother says that she is disgusted by you or that you ruined her life how are you supposed to feel?   I dance a dance, then change the choreography then paint my face with pretty colors and still no mother.  

There's a small part of me that just wants to wash my hands clean of her since that appears to be what she's in the process of but I can't help it.  I hate that she was never there for me as a kid.  I hate the things she said to me growing up.  I hate the way she acted and I hate what she's done not only to me but to my sister, neither of us deserved it.  

"some days aren't yours at all, they come and go as if they are someone elses days, they come and leave bearing someone else's face and it's harsher than yours and colder than yours, they come in all quiet sweep back and then they leave, and you don't hear a single floor board creek, they're so much stronger than the friends you try to keep by your side, down down down down, I'm not here, not anymore I've gone away don't call come don't write." Regina Spektor


"Tell me when you hear my silence/There's a possibility I wouldn't know/So tell me when my sigh is over/You're the reason why I'm closed/Tell me when you hear me falling/There's a possibility it wouldn't show"