like a mother should love her child

Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face
Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder
How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet
Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud
I'll live for you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem ...... why are you crying
Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect 

I just saw my mom drive by.  She dropped some mail off and just left.  I ran down the street barefoot choking down tears.  I just wanted to see my mommmy.  I know that sounds trivial and childish but I have a sick attachment to her.  My therapist says she's toxic for me.  I will always be looking for the mom I didn't get, the kind who held me and wiped my tears away.  Instead I got a mom who loved her children but resented them and made sure they knew that.  I dropped to the ground and burst into tears.  I miss my mom.  Why didn't she stop by, we could have sat down and had coffee.  If she had an appointment I could have waited, I just wanted to see her.   I don't know whether it was her or just this intense amount of emtions that keep building and building and just won't go away.  I worry about my ability to stay sane and my ability to keep my job without either ending up in the psyche ward for ED and suicidal ideations or IP at UNC on the EDU. I can see myself falling and falling fast, it's not a pretty sight. 

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I called Judy today and left a message, she just called back.  We have an appointment for 9:30am Wednesday morning and I owe her money so that's another $60.  It's frustrating because I'm not really well enough to work right now but I can't NOT work.  I have too many bills and things to pay.  I have rent, copays for psychiatrist, copays for therapy, copays for medicine, cigarettes, food(to actually eat), 

Ob la di, Ob la da

Margery's dreaming of the middle of the day

Tiyuri to win
Perfect Dozen to place
Money is the matter that's been on her mind
Time ticks by her one race at a time
She's trying to be a good girl
And give 'em what they want
But Margery's dreaming of horses
Looking at a green sky
Sun like a red eye
Bright blue horses are the fortune she lives by
She's tired and lonely
Scared and depressed
Her visions of one day go racing the next
She's trying to be a good girl
And give 'em what they want
But Margery's dreaming of horses
Margery doesn't say anything all the way home
So afraid she'll awake to find she's all alone
Margery's wingspans all feathers and coke cans, and
TV dinners and letters she won't send, and
Every race night is shot through with sunlight
Trying to hit the big one one last time tonight for...
Drunken fathers and stupid mothers and
Boys who can't tell one girl from another
So she takes her pills
Careful and round
One of these days she's gonna throw the whole Bottle down
But she's trying to be a good girl
And give 'em what they want
But Margery's dreaming of...
Trying to be a good girl
And give 'em what they want
But Margery's dreaming of horses 

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My mom didn't show up until around 4pm yesterday.  She was already in a bad mood and it was "fuck this" and "god dammit" that.  I was incredibly uncomfortable.  She asked me for the $20 I owe her for a prescription she picked up for me and I gave it to her.  She's having a hard time paying her bills because she's completely cut off from workers comp and she had to hire a lawyer and as of right now she has no income so I understand she's stressed.  There was no "I'm happy to see you, I love you."  It was all about how I could give HER money despite, you know, having my OWN bills to pay including therapy, psychiatrist appointments, copays, cigarettes, food(keep down food) bus fair to GET to work and the money I have to pay Tami to live here.  If I could describe my life in one word right now it would be chaos.  Complete and utter chaos.  Nothing is as it seems and everything has gone awry.  I picked up my check we went to Wachovia so I could cash it since she has an account there but she did not have her ID.  I distinctly remember a year or so ago my mom took me somewhere(I think it was to apply for food stamps and I didn't have my license) and she spent 20 minutes ramming into me telling me that I would never make it in the REAL world because responsible adults always carry their IDs and how could I be so stupid.  It was just an incredibly negative experience all around because the only reason she came to see me was because she wanted money from me...how convenient. 

I don't know how long this arrangement with Tami will last and I have to think fast and figure out where the hell I'm going to live. I will probably end up couching it for awhile but now that I have steady hours at work I don't want to seem irresponsible.  I don't blame Tami for being uncomfortable with me here.  I know that she does care about me because I'm like a daughter to her but seeing me "skin and bones" is hard.  It's hard on anyone and I understand that.  I realize that I cause(d) my mom a great deal of worry along with everyone else in my life and I can't even imagine what it would be like to see someone everyday who is clearly in need of help and weight gain-had to add some humor.  It's just when she tells her 15 year old daughter that it might be good for her to see someone who has a real eating disorder because I'm "so skinny and have so many health problems" and some of the comments she makes on my body make me a bit uneasy, to say the least.  

Now on to work.  I cannot work these hours.  I told my manager I was looking at 20 hours but I clocked out at 39.8 which is 20 minutes less than overtime(time and a half).  I'm pulling 10-11 hour days, closing two nights a week and opening two nights a week.  I know how to do my job, it's not rocketscience but I am making far more mistakes than I ever have and it's because my brain just isn't functioning right.  I don't function cognitively when my weight is low.  So I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this.  I'm also supposed to start looking into doctors in this area that aren't affiliated with Duke or UNC that might know something about EDs.  There's a doctor who sees patients at the Carolina House so I might try that.  It's just a matter of me actually making the phone call.  ED resistance much?

weight is down some, which is good.  I did get the groceries I needed and I'm very excited about the butternut squash.  I don't know what I want to make first though, veggie stir-fry with broccoli, carrots and red peppers with balsamic/mustard/splenda/etc blend or curried butternut squash or cinnamon/splenda butternut squash.   Food excites me so.  I'm so excited about what to cook.  I have organic eggs too which make wonderful eggwhite omellettes and salsa.  I fucking <3 salsa.  I dip carrots in salsa.  


I had pretzles today and a b/p on ridiculous shit but fell in love with Kroger brand peanut butter cookie dough ice cream.  I think the salt on the pretzles is fucking with my body.  The inside of my knees doesnt have that hollow like it normally does.  


I had four of my ativans(yea, I'm kind of an addict and was clean for a year and a half but started smoking pot at the LB NYC meet 07 with CJ <3.  RIght now to be quite honest I just want to get fucked into oblivion because that's my way of dealing with things.  I told my therapist a month or so ago that it's almost as if I have my hands over my ears, shaking my head and saying "not listening, not listening."


Oh and I had some nasty ass random liquor.  So I should be good except I want more, like pot or something.  Hopefully I can get out of Durham for two days because I have the next two days off and spend some time with Gretchen but she's really struggling with bulimia and when I'm with someone who has an ED I will restrict but I don't purge.  The only problem is that we smoke a shit ton of pot when we are together because I get her some good hookups.  Pot makes me hungry and she always has salty things at her place. 

And so the journey begins...

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fall into place

weight: 110 bmi: of 17.7 %IBW: 79

Weight: 110 bmi: 17.7 %IBW: 79


I don't know what I'm doing. I am in limbo right now and it's one of the most unsettling things to me. I love fall because it's beautiful and it's something I grew up without. The downside to fall is the memories. I am a visual person. I remember things, names, memories and associate them with things I can see, feel and smell.

My mood is bad right now, I cannot even articulate it and it's driving me nuts.

What I can say is that I want to cut badly, I want to do something ANYTHING RIGHT NOW! just so I don't have to think or feel.

When Darius died I didn't really face it. On some level I knew, like I always have but my solution to the problem was to lose weight. It was almost as if the absence of flesh and appearance of bone would somehow make bring him back to life.

It's a little difficult doing that when the house in which his body hung limp and lifeless is across the street. There are moments that I obsessively wash my hands because I can still feel the extension cord by which he hung himself in my hands. I stare at the house and it's almost as if it is laughing back at me, or Haley rather.

There is someone living in that house and that freaks me out. The first time I saw the person all I saw was a head covered in dreads and my heart just about stopped.