another one bites the dust

Not really sure WHY I took this picture, take as you will.
Mmm...spiced vanilla chai with cinnamon, diet hot chocolate, splash of soy and one tbsp pumpkin spice cream <3

Okay so I took my ativan and seroquel XR and am feeling mighty nice right now. I know there is some sort of alcohol in this room and it's kind of calling my name. I'm kind of stoked that I don't have to be in for work until 5:30 but I close so I suppose that makes up for it.
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Woke up this morning around 8am and b/p of course. That's the only time in which I can really combined with my schedule and everyone else's schedule. I hate that it's become like this but in hindsight it's much better than when I was at my moms and had my own bathroom that wasn't in between two other rooms. It wasn't a large one per say I don't even particularly remember what it consisted of. I have been very maticulate about my binges because I am in someone elses house and refuse to do it here or use up all their food. I did, however, use some grits and added cinnamon, honey, syrup and butter. I don't like grits, I am not from the south. I like polenta but not grits. People frown when they find out I put syrup and cinnamon in my grits. I'm thinking of trying SF vanilla syrup with diet hot chocolate, a bit of FF cream cheese and soy with cinnamon.

Anyways enough food talk because you know that's how we roll. [rolleyes] I showered, got dressed, walked to the bus stop and made it to work 15 minutes early. It was crazy busy today. We had about 15 delayed orders with no less than 10-15 pies. So it was incredibly tedious and monotonous. Pound the dough, dock the dough, slap the dough, sauce the dough, top the dough, cheese the dough, put it in the oven, take it out, cut it, box it...repeat Repeat RE-fucking-PEAT.

We were also supposed to have someone from corporate stop by because he was at a friends store and I'm a bit worried because he was there for four hours which is much longer than need be. I hope he didn't get demoted or fired :( I <3>

Pumpkin Spice International delight creamer is to die for.

I have a phone appointment with someone from Social Security tomorrow at 11:30am then I owe my mom money and she is coming by to pick it up.

I don't know how much will be on my paycheck but I also need to buy groceries/supplies and reimburse Tami(woman I'm living with) for eating her broccoli, carrots and berries, lol. She's a bit weird about that but to each is own I suppose. I know I would be pissed.

I plan on getting:

• 
  
  red peppers
  
  
  
• 
  
  carrots
  
  
  
• 
  
  broccoli
  
  
  
• 
  
  berries
  
  
  
• 
  
  NF/SF yogurt
  
  
  
• 
  
  greek yogurt
  
  
  
• 
  
  squash
  
  
  
• 
  
  butternut squash
  
  
  
• 
  
  tea
  
  
  
• 
  
  light soymilk
  
  
  

Then we'll see from there how much money I have left because I still owe my psyche and have medical/hospital bills to pay off.

EDIT:  I ended up drinking some of that vile god awful concotion of alcohol or something, idk it was in a bottle, taking two ativans and my seroquel XR and then a lyrica.  Yea, I wish I could do that now but I have to work in 3 hours and 45 minutes. 

fall into place

weight: 110 bmi: of 17.7 %IBW: 79

Weight: 110 bmi: 17.7 %IBW: 79


I don't know what I'm doing. I am in limbo right now and it's one of the most unsettling things to me. I love fall because it's beautiful and it's something I grew up without. The downside to fall is the memories. I am a visual person. I remember things, names, memories and associate them with things I can see, feel and smell.

My mood is bad right now, I cannot even articulate it and it's driving me nuts.

What I can say is that I want to cut badly, I want to do something ANYTHING RIGHT NOW! just so I don't have to think or feel.

When Darius died I didn't really face it. On some level I knew, like I always have but my solution to the problem was to lose weight. It was almost as if the absence of flesh and appearance of bone would somehow make bring him back to life.

It's a little difficult doing that when the house in which his body hung limp and lifeless is across the street. There are moments that I obsessively wash my hands because I can still feel the extension cord by which he hung himself in my hands. I stare at the house and it's almost as if it is laughing back at me, or Haley rather.

There is someone living in that house and that freaks me out. The first time I saw the person all I saw was a head covered in dreads and my heart just about stopped.