Tuesday, March 29, 2011

ramblings of a crazed woman


Be loud let your colors show
Try to keep the madness low
If they hear and it's wrong
And they come with torches on
Yeah come on
Be loud let your colors show
Try to keep the madness low
I tell them no with my hands
Make them understand the plan of it
Bright and gone
And I'm done forever
It's you and me forever
Cause I'm done forever
It's you and me forever
Be loud let the others know
First a whisper then it grows
I tell them go with my hands
Make them understand the last of it
Yeah come on, pain and all
Leave out pack your things and go
Leave the baby makers home
There's a time (now) and a place (now)
Someone built to take the race
When it calls you go head down
Head down don't you make a sound
Keep your plans all to yourself
They'll come true they follow you
They're what you're obligated to
Don't you listen to nobody else
And I'm done forever
It's you and me forever
Cause I'm done forever
See it's you and me forever

I'm not really sure what I want anymore. I fear that I've been compulsively overeating which has led to this tremendous weight gain.  I just can't handle my body at this weight.  It's completely unacceptable.  I wish it were easy. I wish I could eat normally and be at a decent weight and not care what my body looks like.  If only I had known just how ingrained this disorder would become.  If only I had known that it would take over my entire life, ruin relationships and cause me to crash and burn.  Most people have somewhat of a love/hate relationship with their body.  They gain five pounds over the holidays so they diet and take it off.  They care enough about themselves to give their body what it needs.  A person with an eating disorder will not do that.  My mom is remodeling my bathroom so I have to use hers and the mirrors are horrific.  It's like everywhere I turn I see fat and rolls and blubber.  I need to stick to a meal plan and I'm starting tomorrow.  Today was okay

My mood was okay.  I spent the day with a good friend who is still in treatment.  Of course there was the comparison factor.  I just don't think it's fair that I have to be so big.  There's that and she engaged in behavior and would make simple comments about food.  Part of me just wanted to shake her disorder and knock some sense into it, or better yet rid her of this disease.  I see so many talented, intelligent and beautiful women losing their life to this disease and I hate it.  I hate it with the same passion I hate my body.  I just want to shake this disorder out of them.

If only it was just about the weight.  It's so much more than that.  It gives me security and it gives me my mother.  Here we go again with the mommy complex.  I wish it weren't an issue but unfortunately it is.  I'm living with my mother right now and in the past it was pure hell(I was also VERY eating disordered which caused a lot of tension).  Things are okay.  Not great, but okay.  For once I want my mother to just accept me for who I am and not who she wants me to be.  She says she does it with good intentions and I don't doubt that but it doesn't make it any less annoying. 

My eating diosrder gives me the opportunity to focus on something other than what lies in your head.  I'm afraid of what is in my mind, I'm afraid that deep down I am a bad person  I know right from wrong

No comments:

Post a Comment