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I sat for about 30 minutes in the shower today just letting the water hit my body, my eyes closed, hoping to drown out the sound of my mind. Unfortunately that's not always the case. As each drop of water hit my skin I wished it were a tiny pellet penetrating my skin, something to snap me out of this funk. Something to make me feel something or anything other than hopeless and disgusted. I cannot even change or shower with my eyes open these days I am so disgusted by my body. These breasts are not mine. What happened to the hollow right in the middle and the chest bones so prominent? A dear friend of mine came to visit me yesterday and told me that this was the important part, the gate. She said she knows it's uncomfortable but I need a healthy body or I could die. I realize that but my mind, oh my mind. My mind is in quite possibly the worst state it's been since I tried to kill myself earlier this year. I just don't see the point in anything really.
Hi Anna.
ReplyDeleteI do the same thing in the shower. Time goes by and I cannot move- I hope it washes all the pain away and I feel paralyzed. You are in my thoughts and prayers (and I'm NOT just saying that). You've had a hell of an experience with your mom and you are allowed to feel the pain! Feelings need no justifications! They swallow you whole when you don't acknowledge them. Please please take it easy on yourself! Set little goals of doing things that make you happy. Break things down into the smallest compartmentalized form until it's manageable. Find a therapist you trust (and it free) to talk to. You aren't alone, although I know you feel like you are drowning. Please keep writing if it helps you get some of your feelings out.
XOXOXOXO
Sincerely, and with love and friendship,
Barbara