I have taken a wrong turn When will I learn. When will I learn? Should I show them all my scars? Cherry red bleeding burn
Like an angry apple tree I throw my apples if you get too close to me
But if I look to my right, will I see the one I fight for If I look to my right Or if I turn to my left, we I see that I have kept my heart Locked up, locked up so tight
Love, love, love is everywhere But not a drop for me to drink Tie me up and bind my feet Drop me in and watch me sink
Like an angry apple tree I throw my apples if you get too close to me
But if I look to my right, will I see the one I fight for If I look to my right Or if I turn to my left, we I see that I have kept my heart Locked up, locked up
If I was 17 I could find it in-between The cushions of somebody's couch I could find it. I could find it If I was 17 I could find it in a dream A dime a dozen kind of love I could find it. I could find it But I'm not 17 and I lost it in-between The birthday cakes and fast mistakes That roll by Ba da ba ba da ba ba, ba da ba ba da ba da dum
But if I look to my right, will I see the one I fight for If I look to my right Or if I turn to my left, we I see that I have kept my heart Locked up, locked up

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I had an appointment Wednesday at the Duke Eating Disorders clinic.  It was an interesting experience to say the least.  The last time I was there I was "discharged" from the program because "a higher level of care is recommended and patient presents with a low weight and unstable vital signs." I asked to be seen so that I could have some documentation from a specialist supporting medical necessity for the appeal to my insurance company.  The appointment ended up being over two hours long.  The doctor used the word thin in one form or another at least five times.  She said that it was clear that my body has suffered from severe malnutrition.  She congratulated me on being "proactive" and making the decision to take the next step in my recovery.  If only it were that simple.  If only my insurance company wasn't being such a dick right now.  My mom is putting together an appeal packet.  The letter of denial was filled with errors.  They filed the claim based on psychiatry necessity and not for Eating Disorder specific treatment.  They also filled the claim with UNC listed as the residential facility and not Carolina House.  

 

My heart is not doing so well.  She told me that it wasn't beating properly and she spent a ridiculously and worringly long time listening to it.  My EKG was abnormal but I am not sure what the results were because I was not told and when I tried to peek at it I couldn't see it.  The nurse had to get three seperate readings and brought the doctor back in after the first one.  She listened to my heart again and told me that the results were abnormal but that it's to be expected because of my "thinness," behaviors, activity and general malnutrition.  My potassium was low, my phosphorous was high and other lab results were off.  I'm supposed to go to the hospital and I am killing time because I want to know how off.  I sent the doctor an email and havent' heard back.  I am just sick and tired of ER visits and because this is the Duke ER I don't want to be seen as some fucking hypochondriac.  On the other hand, I've been having chest pains and I walked here and I had a hard time walking here.  I had to stop and catch my breath.  

I'm scared.