fear

 

That I Would Be Good

 

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you 

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I saw Judy(my therapist) today.  It was a very productive session, not quite what I had in mind but productive nonetheless.   I told her that my mom is trying to fight with the insurance company and the OPM rep at her work and as Judy put it "being a raging bitch on wheels barreling through."  I've done a lot of things lately that I am ashamed of, things that have left my mind spinning something terrible at night.  There are parts of myself that I do not like and for good reasons and things that I need to change.  I used my moms card for something I shouldn't have, something to fuel my disorder and it shames me to the core.  I am better than that.  This entire time I'm thinking I'm going crazy, my mind needs to stop I am losing it but Judy said it's good thinking.  

 

I wish I didn't have such a mommy complex.  I wish I wasn't so enmeshed with my mother and that I could stop dancing and juggling around because I will never get the attention I need(ed).  Christmas was hard because my mom was so gung ho on seeing my sister in Canada that she wasn't interested in me.  You would think that if a mother has a child who is 30 minutes away from her and didn't have a car she would pick her up so that they could spend Christmas together.  That's what she's done in the past.  She was not interested in picking me up and when I asked her if she wanted me to find a ride out to her house she told me not to bother.  This was the first year I spent Christmas away from her.  The only way I know how to get my mothers attention is by being sick.  The only time my mother has ever paid attention is when I am sick, she sits by my side she is my knight in shining armor, arguing with doctors all the while telling me I am beautiful and bringing me cards and tea and flowers.  When I am well I fall to the sidelines and it's only when I make a mistake or am not what she feels I should be doing that she notices.  Not only does she notice the mistakes but she highlights them, bolds them and shines a big bright spotlight on them.  I know my mother loves me and that's what makes it so hard.  My mom has always had a favorite of the two of us.  Whichever one of us she feels is screwing up the least is the "good" one and can do no wrong while the other is stuck in the spotlight and belittled.  When my sister had my nephew I became the black sheep and my sister can do no wrong.  I told Judy and Haley that I should just get knocked up so that my mom will love me again and Judy said that that's the kind of logic I've always had.  Mommy hasn't noticed me so let me write on the wall, she will be angry but at least she will notice.  Mommy doesn't know I'm here so I will pretend to get lost or runaway.  I never wanted to grow up because I wanted to always need her and I wanted to ensure that she would never leave me.  I wonder sometimes if she could wash her hands clean of me if she would.  

I told her I knew I needed more intensive treatment but with my job and the promotion it's making the decision harder.  My job is something that makes me feel productive and well, to be frank, not stupid.  It's one thing in my life I am confident about and I don't want to lose that.  So it puts me in a bit of a bind.  I told her I don't know if it's my eating disorder trying to fuck things up but that I don't know if inpatient/residential is good for me because it just enforces the "sick" role.  She asked me to elaborate on that and it was hard to put it into words.  I said something I've never said out loud before.  It is a safe, supportive and intensive environment and I flock to that because I can sigh in relief.  I don't have to be everything mommy wants me to be, I don't have to pretend anymore and I am SUPPOSED to need things and ask for help.  At the same time, everytime things in my life have been so chaotic my first response was to claim the crazy card and it worked.  It got me the break I wanted.  She said that while I am not crazy I obviously needed those breaks because most people don't immediately swallow a bunch of hoarded pills and slit their wrists open.  Most people don't decide that they are going to puke their guts out and purposely dehydrate themselves risking their lives.  

 

I told her that I have no fucking clue how to fill the space my mother leaves and I don't know how to make things okay. 

 

It scares me because I don't know how ingrained these thought and behaviors are.  I don't want to spend the rest of my life wishing I were dead every other week.  I don't want to keep pulling the crazy card.  I don't want to be so terrified of turning 22 because I can't stop it, I am going to turn 22 just like I will turn 23 and 24 and 25.  It's inevitable and fearing the inevitable is quite maddening.