Darius

RIP Darius Xavier Poteat  

I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand
I would understand
The angry boy, a bit too insane
Icing over a secret pain
You know you don't belong
You're the first to fight
You're way too loud
You're the flash of light
On a burial shroud
I know something's wrong
Well everyone I know has got a reason
To say
Put the past away
I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand
I would understand
Well, he's on the table
And he's gone to code
And I do not think anyone knows
What they are doing here
And your friends have left
You've been dismissed
I never thought it would come to this
And I
I want you to know
Everyone's got to face down the demons
Maybe today
We can put the past away
I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand
I would understand
I would understand
Can you put the past away
I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend
I would understand...

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I logged onto FB and it asked me if I wanted to reconnect with Darius.  Of course I would love to reconnect with Darius, I would love to have the chance to tell him how angry I am with him, that everything will be okay eventually even if I don't believe it myself.  The whole situation is just shitty and I find myself getting so frustrated sometimes.  When I am sitting with Haley rubbing her back, telling her things will be okay and that I love her knowing full well there's nothing I can do to make things honestly better for her.  I cannot change the situation and I cannot change the facts.  She was engaged to him and they were supposed to get married August 1st.  She called the wedding off the last week in June and he hung himself a week later.  She is not, by any means, at fault.  If he was that unstable then it could have been something else that pushed him over the edge, but the fact of the matter is he did it after she called off the wedding.  Consider Kyles parents blamed us for his death and the very nature of suicide it's only natural for her to blame herself.  I blame myself.  I am angry with myself for not noticing the signs.  I am angry at myself for making Haley my priority and not taking the time to really talk with him.  I should have known that when he tossed his bike in some ditch that it was a sign. 

If he loved her enough to want to spend the rest of his life with her why would he want to do that her?  Why would he take his own life knowing full well what we've been through with the people we've lost to suicide.  I get it, I do.  I get not wanting to live.  I fight urges a lot and I can't even count how many times I've thought things would be better if I weren't alive.  Sometimes I wish I hadn't experienced these untimely deaths, not because I want them back but because then I might actually be able to kill myself.  I could never do that though.  Losing someone you love to suicide is not something I would wish upon anyone and it is an experience unlike any other.  There is no "Rest In Peace" because there are entirely too many questions left unanswered.  As shitty as things may be and no matter how down on my luck I get I have people in my life I love too much to ever hurt that much.