like a mother should love her child

Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face
Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder
How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet
Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud
I'll live for you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem ...... why are you crying
Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect 

I just saw my mom drive by.  She dropped some mail off and just left.  I ran down the street barefoot choking down tears.  I just wanted to see my mommmy.  I know that sounds trivial and childish but I have a sick attachment to her.  My therapist says she's toxic for me.  I will always be looking for the mom I didn't get, the kind who held me and wiped my tears away.  Instead I got a mom who loved her children but resented them and made sure they knew that.  I dropped to the ground and burst into tears.  I miss my mom.  Why didn't she stop by, we could have sat down and had coffee.  If she had an appointment I could have waited, I just wanted to see her.   I don't know whether it was her or just this intense amount of emtions that keep building and building and just won't go away.  I worry about my ability to stay sane and my ability to keep my job without either ending up in the psyche ward for ED and suicidal ideations or IP at UNC on the EDU. I can see myself falling and falling fast, it's not a pretty sight. 

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I called Judy today and left a message, she just called back.  We have an appointment for 9:30am Wednesday morning and I owe her money so that's another $60.  It's frustrating because I'm not really well enough to work right now but I can't NOT work.  I have too many bills and things to pay.  I have rent, copays for psychiatrist, copays for therapy, copays for medicine, cigarettes, food(to actually eat),