Maybe this year will be better than the last

I bought an actual spiral notebook yesterday so I could write.  My computer has crashed.  This is what I wrote

I'm not sure exactly where to begin and.  In fact there's neither a beginning nor an end let alone a fucking story.  My life at the moment can be summed by my a handful of words.  Chaos. Limbo. Uncertainty. Instability. Longing and insanity.  

I don't know where I should start with the physical/mental state I'm in or how I got this way, the events leading up to my inevitable crash.  Oh the never ending question of the chicken or the egg.  

The Summary of 2009:

This is/has been by far the WORST bout of depression I've experienced.  It's debilitating, consistent and just won't seem to go away.  Part of it is chemical, part of it is my mom/life events nd well, there's no easy way to say this, 

Darius Xavier Poteat hung himself July 1, 2009 exactly a month from the date he and Haley were to be wed.  

My ED got really bad, lost 20+ pounds, scared the SHIT out of my mom.  Of course she never said this but I could see it in her eyes, tone of voice and the very way she treated me-acting as if I could break at any moment.  She made me sleep in her bed with her and slept with her arms around me so she could check my heart rate.  Ironically(or not) enough that was my original intention.  I thought maybe if she was worried she wouldn't yell so much or throw things.  Then Darius died and it all went downhill from there.  My weight at one point was 101 bmi of 16.3.  It's not my lowest, by any means, but my body for whatever reason will not let me get below 100.  I was purging, b/p every day and had basically become quite more efficient which leads to low potassium.  Since then I've gained about 6-8 pounds.  WIth my kidney functioning being the way it is and water retention out the ass I honestly thought I would die.  She disappeared for three days and would not return my phone calls.  One of the last things she said was, "I know you can't help it but this is my way of dealing with it but then I think of all the times you told people I abused you, I never hit my kids."  Lie.  I drank/drugged myself into a stupor and cut badly.  Every few hours or so I would wake up in some random place(the front steps), the bathtub drink some more and pass out.  My friend came to retrieve me and I've been living with Haley's mom ever since.  The house that darius hung himself in is right across the street.