Monday, November 2, 2009

and the end is near...





I wrote this last night in my journal.  I am typing it exactly as it is written on paper.  


4:20am                                                                                                                Monday November 2, 2009


Dear Ryan,
             "I have to drive, I have my reasons dear, it's cold outside, I hate the seasons here, I suffer mornings most of all I feel so powerless and small, by ten o'clock I'm back in bed, fighting the jury in my head...we haven't slept in years, we suffer mornings most of all, we saw you laying in the road, we tried to dig a decent grave, but it's no way to behave, it is a delicate position, spin the bottle, kick the victim, catch a tiger, switch directions if he follows..." Amanda Palmer




I'm very conflicted at the moment.  I'll be honest I really don't want to fucking live.  My life is filled with uncertainty right now.  The ONLY known/constant thing is my eating disorder.  At least every other day, if not every day, I fight urges to take a shit ton of pills with some strong liquor and cut.  The idea is so god damn appealing it's insane(quite literally in fact).  TO feel nothing and no longer have to deal with the spinning/chaotic thoughts in my head.  The very motion of the blad ripping open my skin in one quick angry sweep of emotions.  I want to watch my impurities and shamefull thoughts and actions bleed out of me if only for a short period of time.  Then and ONLY then am I allowed to wrap my arm and hold it like a mother holds her weeping infant, wanting only to calm and soothe and protect and MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER!  I want to fall asleep with some sort of music(Counting Crows, Bob Dylan, Amanda Palmer, Margot and the Nuclear So and So's) I would rock myself and whisper to my arm, "It will be okay."  But I can't truly take care of it you see, it must still hurt and reopening it/removing the stitches prematurely and with my own blood covered fingers.  


I am sick, so so very sick. 
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2 comments:

  1. AnonymousNovember 5, 2009 at 1:58 PM

    Hi :) this is the LBer-formally-known-as-ghost! I noticed you commenting on Heather's blog and thought I would come and say hello. I've been keeping a blog since I left LB in March, there's a lovely community of people with or recovering from EDs here. I hope you carry on writing <3 I am really sorry to hear that everything is still so hard for you - I'm on MSN far too much if you want to talk *hug*
    Katie x

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  2. AuréliaNovember 30, 2009 at 11:34 PM

    Me too, but only if i cant feel anymore..

    i have frequent episodes where i'm full of anger/ sadness but can't feel any of it

    so i participate in self destructive behavior so i can feel something -- anything

    so were almost on the same boat

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