mommy knows best

 

 

Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face
Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder
How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet
Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud
I'll live for you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem ...... why are you crying
Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect

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I have an unnatural attachment to my mother. I told my therapist Wednesday that it's almost as if we are electrons and we run towards one another convinced it's the solution but as soon as we get close we shoot away from one another. All that aside, I love my mother and have needed her for my entire life. There are moments where her maternal instinct kicks in and she is able to help me in the ways I need but those are few and far between.

She called me last night telling me she was "pulling a Karina and having a mental breakdown." So I took her to UNC. She was given an ativan at 10pm, we left at 6am. I was beyond exhausted on top of having the flu. I hadn't slept more than six hours in the last 48. I told her my original plan for Friday was to go to urgent care so I can get through work and not break down physically and she offered to take me and I said there weren't any open and what I really needed was to sleep. I was delirious and she agreed to drive.

She totaled her car and hadn't paid her car insurance bill yet. She got mad at me for not answering her seven phone calls while I was sleeping because I had to work. She frantically called my job four times and was a "neurotic mess." She wanted me to use everything I've saved to bail her out and I tried, I really did try but by the time I got to her insurance company I found out they don't accept cash payments. She is going to blame me, as always. While logically I know none of this is my fault it doesn't make one damn bit of difference because my mother has instilled the fear of god in me. She will start saying that she's never going to help me out again and with everything she does for me the least I could do was this.  She is going to find someway to blame this on me I guarantee it. 

I tried, I swear. Then I start wondering if I should have just ignored her plead for help but then if she ended up dying it would crush me more than anything.  I should have know she couldn't drive but neither could I, I was delusional from lack of sleep not to mention all the other complications of my ED(inability to function cognitively)

If my mom breaks, I will break and I cannot break right now. I'm trying to be responsible and attend work and save up for a place and treatment.

My therapist asked me if I thought I should be in the hospital and I said I can't because I have to work and that I've been holding on by the skin of my teeth.

I don't know what's going to happen now.