fall into place

weight: 110 bmi: of 17.7 %IBW: 79

Weight: 110 bmi: 17.7 %IBW: 79


I don't know what I'm doing. I am in limbo right now and it's one of the most unsettling things to me. I love fall because it's beautiful and it's something I grew up without. The downside to fall is the memories. I am a visual person. I remember things, names, memories and associate them with things I can see, feel and smell.

My mood is bad right now, I cannot even articulate it and it's driving me nuts.

What I can say is that I want to cut badly, I want to do something ANYTHING RIGHT NOW! just so I don't have to think or feel.

When Darius died I didn't really face it. On some level I knew, like I always have but my solution to the problem was to lose weight. It was almost as if the absence of flesh and appearance of bone would somehow make bring him back to life.

It's a little difficult doing that when the house in which his body hung limp and lifeless is across the street. There are moments that I obsessively wash my hands because I can still feel the extension cord by which he hung himself in my hands. I stare at the house and it's almost as if it is laughing back at me, or Haley rather.

There is someone living in that house and that freaks me out. The first time I saw the person all I saw was a head covered in dreads and my heart just about stopped.